sK T-Shirts

Every amateur team fields the same eleven personalities. From the centre-back who only knows Row Z to the winger with all pace and no end product - find your position, and the tee that outs you.

American rec-league, British Sunday-league, the universal weekend warrior - the amateur game has its own vocabulary. Here's the honest dictionary, badge by badge.

The knee-slide, the shush, the last-minute wheel-away - the greatest amateur celebrations ranked by pure risk-to-reward. Scored a worldie nobody filmed? This one's for you.

The unwritten five-a-side dress code, written down at last - from the boots you shouldn't wear on astro to the tee that says you take this far too seriously.

The amateur footballer in your life has every boot and no trophies. Here are the funny soccer gifts they'll actually wear - sorted by the kind of player they think they are.