sK T-Shirts

Doesn't matter if it's a Sunday league in the rain or a Tuesday-night five-a-side under buzzing floodlights - every amateur team is built from the same eleven personalities. You know them. You are one of them. Here's the full XI, ranked by shirt number, so you can find yourself and stop pretending you're the one with the good first touch.

1. 1I Only Save The Easy OnesCommanding on anything straight at him. Bottom corner? That's what the defenders are for.
2. 2Hugs The TouchlineChalk on the boots, glued to the line, two touches all game and both were throw-ins.
3. 3Tracks Back? Never Heard Of ItDefending is a team sport and he is an individual. The winger he 'marks' sends a thank-you card.
4. 4If In Doubt, Kick It OutNo playing out from the back. No overlapping runs. Just Row Z and a clear conscience.
5. 5Last Man StandingThe last line. Everything past him is somebody else's fault. Probably.
6. 6Rest DefenceWatches the back three when the ball's on the other side of the pitch. If you know, you know.
7. 7All Pace, No End ProductBeats three men, reaches the byline, blasts it into the car park. But the pace, though.
8. 8Box To Box (Once)Made the run of his life in minute two. Has been walking it off ever since.
9. 10Thinks He's Still Got ItOne nutmeg in 2019 and he's never let anyone forget it. The armband is basically his.
10. 9Tap-Ins OnlySix-yard box, that's the office. Anything outside it is somebody else's problem.
11. 11I Don't DefendJob starts when the ball's in their half and ends the second he loses it. A luxury the team can't afford but keeps picking.

On the bench

Every squad has the two nobody planned for: the outfield player who volunteered in goal and immediately regretted it (Nobody Wanted To Go In Goal), and the keeper who watched too much football and is now forty yards off his line (Sweeper Keeper).

Found yourself yet? Once you've made peace with your position, wear it. And if your celebrations do more damage than your tackles, you'll want the celebrations power ranking next.